A Mad, Mad Interview
by CheshireGirl0913
Summary: What happens when a cast of insanely wonderful characters come together for an interview? Possible insanity. Rated T for any possible suggestive questions.
1. Introduction & Information!

CheshireGirl0913: Hello fanfictioners! Lately, I've been seeing a lot of character interviews, and I've noticed that there isn't one for one particular story. Please welcome… the cast of Alice in Wonderland!

(lights come up on the colorful characters)

Alice: (gazing around the soundstage) How very curious….

Mad Hatter: (noticing there's only water) Where's my tea?

Dormouse: (laying his head on the Mad Hatter's shoulder) Zzzzzzzz…huh…zzzzzzz.

Queen of Hearts: He's always asleep! Off with his head!

King of Hearts: But my dear, the Executioner isn't here yet.

Queen of Hearts: (quietly to the King) Remind me to have it done later….

CG: (to the Mad Hatter) You know he'll have to wake up at some point, right?

March Hare: (pulling a hammer from out of nowhere) I'll take care of him!

CG: (grabbing the hammer) NO! We don't need any of that!

Tweedledum: Besides, if he's asleep he can't answer the question, nohow!

Tweedledee: Contrariwise, unless he answers in his sleep!

Duchess: (turning to the Gryphon) Wake up, you lazy thing! (Gryphon shoots up from his seat and sits down)

Cook: (stirring a pot she brought for some apparent reason) PEPPER!

(Everyone except for the Cook, starts sneezing)

Duchess: And the moral of that is-.

CG: We don't want to know. (Seeing that the Mock Turtle is crying his eyes out) No offense, but you can't answer any questions either if you continue to cry like this.

Mock Turtle: (inbetween sobs) I was once a real turtle!

CG: None of that again, Mock! Telling your life story may take up the entire interview! So let's save it until someone asks, okay? *sniffs* Why do I smell cherries?

Queen of Hearts: I just made some cherry tarts. I'll eat them after the interview.

Knave of Hearts: (glances at the Queen and sneaks off)

Caterpillar: (looking at Alice) Who _are_ you?

Alice: (annoyed) Must you ask _every time_ you see me? I'm Alice!

CG: (looking around) Okay it looks like everyone is here, except…. Hey, where's the White Rabbit and the Cheshire Cat?

White Rabbit: (running on) I'm sorry, miss! I hope I'm not late!

CG: No, you're fine, White. But can someone tell me where Cheshire Cat is?

Cheshire Cat: (appearing from nowhere behind the host) Right here!

CG: (screams) Seriously, Chess? Did you _really_ need to do that?

Cheshire Cat: Maybe…. (flashes a smile)

CG: Don't start, otherwise I'll get a headache from you long before this interview is over. (turning to the audience) So, before we waste anymore time-.

Mad Hatter: (excited) Time is here? (starts looking around) Where?

White Rabbit: Time? (looks at his watch) Oh dear, I'm late! (jumps up from his seat and runs out of the soundstage)

CG: Anyway, feel free to ask these odd- (gets glares from the Queen and King), oddly wonderful cast of characters, questions. I only ask that you please don't try and ask explicitly inappropriate questions. (silently so that only the audience can hear) It's crazy enough here already. (normal voice) Now, if you'll please excuse me, I should probably go find the White Rabbit. (gets up to leave)

Alice: (standing up) Can I come?

CG: No, you got into enough trouble the last time. (Alice crosses her arms angrily and sits down as the host runs to find the White Rabbit)

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**A/N:** **Just so I can clarify, you can ask questions based on previous movie adaptations (ex. The Tim Burton version) & fanfics (you hear that  
WCMI fans? ;D ). I will also invite characters from other Wonderland-related stories, if necessary.**

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! All of the characters belong to Lewis Carroll/Charles Dodgson.**

**Get ready, folks, this is about to be one crazy trip down the rabbit hole!**


	2. Perchance to Dream?

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING! All chracters belong to Lewis Carroll!**

* * *

CG: (walks in with the White Rabbit, rubbing the back of her neck) Sorry about that delay, folks. Apparently chasing White can lead to a number of possibilities.

White Rabbit: It's not my fault I had an appointment down in Wonderland!

CG: Anyway, who wants to ask a question! (crowd goes wild until CG gives the microphone to SoftlySpokenHeart)

SoftlySpokenHeart: YESSSSSSSSS THERE'S ONE FOR WONDERLAND NOW YESSSSSSSSS! Bahaha. Anyway, my first question is for . . . THE DORMOUSE! Teehee now you have to wake him uuup *singsong voice*

CG: Uh…. (turns to the others) Can someone wake up the Dormouse?

Mad Hatter: I'll handle it. (takes off his hat and pulls out a teapot)

CG: (concerned) Are you sure this is a good idea?

Mad Hatter: Don't worry he's used to it. (pours it on top of the Dormouse's head)

Dormouse: (squeals) I wasn't asleep!

CG: Sorry to bother you, but someone wants to ask you a question. (turning to SoftlySpokenHeart)

SSH: Anyhoo, my query is this: How can you possibly sleep all the time! Isn't it dreadfully boring? Or do you have really exciting dreams? If so, TELL US ABOUT THEM! :D

Dormouse: Well, uh…. I don't find it terribly boring…. Honestly, it's better than running around worrying about everything. You really have nothing to worry about when you're asleep!

CG: (quietly to herself) Or so he thinks…. (starts thinking back to some quote from a movie about dreams)

Dormouse: As for the dreams, I do recall being chased by a cat in one (starts shaking in fear).

March: Um… Dormouse? (nervous laughter) That wasn't a dream.

CG: (gives evil glare to Cheshire Cat)

Cheshire Cat: What? It's my instinct!

Dormouse: In another, I believe I was a pirate, sailing on an ocean of tea, looking for a gigantic teapot treasure chest. Then there was another where I flew among the stars with some boy in a green hat. And another was where I was in this cave, looking for this thing called a "lamp", which turned out to look like a odd-looking teapot.

CG: Anything else?

Dormouse: Well… there was one where I was on a moonlit stroll with the M-.

CG: Okay! I think we've heard enough! (collective booing from the audience) (turns to the Cheshire Cat) As for you, you and I are going to have a little talk, Cheshire Cat!

Dormouse: CAT? CAT! (starts tipping things over and running around the soundstage)

CG: (to the audience) We'll be right back… _after_ we calm the Dormouse down! (runs off the get the jam)

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**A/N: Thanks for the question, SoftlySpokenHeart and sorry for taking so long to put this up! I made some references to a few movies (points if you can guess all of them!)**

**Hope to hear some more questions soon! :D**

**-CheshireGirl0913**


	3. Time & Teabags

**Hey everyone! I apologize for the the shortness of this chapter, along with the slow updating. Inspiration seems to be failing me lately (plus, school and other things have sorta taken over my life). I also apologize in advance just in case my updates don't get any faster.**

**But enough of that stuff: ON WITH THE SHOW!**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING! All characters belong to Lewis Carroll (except for me of course! :D )**

* * *

CG: Welcome back everyone! Sorry about the long delay, but the Dormouse is a whole lot harder to calm down than many of us thought. (glares at the teapot sitting by the March Hare) So… (pulls out the microphone) who wants to ask a question?

(Crowd screams until the microphone is handed to thelittlegreencat)

thelittlegreencat: *grins* I have one for the Mad Hatter. When you "attempted" murder of Time, what EXACTLY did you do?

(Cast and host look at the Mad Hatter, wide-eyed)

CG: (almost panic-striken) Hatter, what _did_ you do?

Mad Hatter: I...I….

Queen of Hearts: (impatiently) We're waiting!

Mad Hatter: I-It-IT WASN'T MY FAULT! (hides behind the chair)

March Hare: I think it might be best if I speak for him, considering the circumstances.

CG: Have at it, Marchy.

March Hare: (glaring at CG) Don't call me that! (to thelittlegreencat) You see, it happened back when the Hatter and I weren't exactly as mad as we are now.

Alice: Was there ever _not_ a time?

March Hare: (ignoring Alice) Time had visited to have some tea and the Mad Hatter was a little bit… (clears throat) creative with his tea bags.

Dormouse: (yawning) Not to mention he wasn't very attentive.

March Hare: He ended up mixing in some poisonous ingredient and… well…. I'm not going to explain the rest.

Alice: What was the ingredient?

March Hare: Something "Nightshade"? He got it from this girl a long time ago who had a habit of losing body parts.

CG: (looking at the Mad Hatter) Is this true?

Mad Hatter: (sheepishly) I don't want to say another word….

(CG's face lights up with an idea)

CG: (whispering to the Queen) Uh, Queenie, could you do me a small favor?

Queen of Hearts: (staring at CG, angrily) I don't take favors from _anyone_! AND WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

CG: I-I-I didn't mean to-!

Queen of Hearts: OFF WITH HER HEAD!

CG: (to the audience) W-W-We'll be right back. (gulp) I hope….


	4. Ravens & Writing Desks

I'm sssoooooooo sorry for not updating sooner! My Writer's Block, school and many other things have taken over my life lately. But I've decided to continue this no matter what, so here it is!

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. All characters except for CG (that is, myself), belong to Lewis Carroll/Charles Dodgeson**

* * *

CG: Welcome back. Now that we've gotten everyone to calm down, we can move on to another question. (hands microphone to )

: My question for EVERYONE...WHY THE HELL IS A RAVEN LIKE A WRITING DESK!

(The cast and host sit in shock to this question)

CG: Um… I feel like the Hatter has the right to answer this one. After all, it _is_ his riddle.

Queen of Hearts: (angrily) And you're saying that _I_ don't!

CG: (bowing nervously) Not at all, Your Majesty. But if anyone does have an answer, then go ahead and say it.

Alice: Well… I don't know. It is a very curious question.

(An echo of agreement goes through the group)

Queen of Hearts: I say it is because I say so!

Cook: PEPPER!

Duchess: And the moral of that is….

CG: Again, Dutch, no one cares! (thinking for a second) But I think I know how we can solve this….

March Hare: A Caucus Race?

Alice: (groaning) Not another one of those! I'm dry and I prefer to stay that way! (**A/N: Doesn't make sense, I know, but, hey, it IS Wonderland**)

CG: Nope! (pulling out her laptop) We research answers!

Alice: I thought your Mom said-.

CG: Shh! Don't play Goody-Goody and she'll never find out!

Dormouse: (yawning) This is going to take a while….

(A few moments later….)

CG: Aha! I found something! Actually… I found multiple somethings!

Gryphon: Don't be all day about it!

CG: Here's one from Lewis Carroll himself: "Because it can produce a few notes, tho they are very flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front!"

(The cast looks at her, confused)

CG: "Never" is "raven" backwards. It takes some thought for it to make sense.

March Hare: Any others?

CG: "They both stand on sticks", "they both have inky quills", "Because there is a B in both and an N in neither-."

Alice: That makes no sense!

CG: You have to say it to yourself for it to make sense. (looking at the screen) And, of course, there's the classic answer, "Poe wrote on both."

March Hare: That doesn't make any sense!

CG: To you, maybe. But to me and Alice it makes perfect sense! (realizing something, turning towards Mad Hatter) So… Mad Hatter… why IS a raven like a writing desk?

Mad Hatter: (staring at CG with fear) WHY IS A WHAT?

March Hare: (hiding behind the Mad Hatter) Raven! She's stark raving mad!

(Both start screaming non-sensibly)

CG: (facepalm) I should've known this was gonna happen. (to the audience) We'll be right back… (looking over at the duo) Maybe with them _not_ in the room.

* * *

**A/N: Fingers crossed I will get the next chapter up ASAP. I'm even thinking of using questions from my friends, but I LOVE hearing yours! So please send in more questions (especially for the smaller characters like the Duchess and the Mock Turtle. They want some too! :) )!**


	5. Suspicions & Duct Tape

**Woohoo! Two chapters in one day! I feel accomplished! Anyway... on with the show!**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. All character except for me, CG, belong to Lewis Carroll/Charles Dodgeson.**

* * *

CG: And we're back! Thankfully, we've gotten the Mad Hatter and March Hare to calm down.

(The cast looks with mixed emotion towards the duo, whose mouths and arms were covered in duct tape)

CG: (tossing the duct tape backstage) Now we shall continue with the next question! (hands microphone to HollytheKitty)

HollytheKitty: I've got a question…. For Alice: Why are you so obsessed with chasing white rabbits? After falling down a hole, why didn't you just stop?

(The cast and the host look at Alice, who is blushing from embarrassment)

Alice: (sheepishly) I guess I can answer both of those questions. You see, even after I came back to my home, I still missed Wonderland. So whenever I see the White Rabbit, I hope that it would lead me back to Wonderland, which it typically does.

White Rabbit: (nervously) Um… that _wasn't_ me, Alice.

CG: (giggling) It couldn't be every _single_ time, but you never know. He _is_ a rabbit!

White Rabbit: Just what exactly are you _implying_, miss?

CG: (with a smile on her face) Oh nothing whatever! Besides, I'm honestly not surprised you asked this HollytheKitty. Her descendants in other stories do the same thing!

Alice: (looking at CG, suspiciously) Anyway… considering how things are back at home, it's always such a joke to come back. It feels good to get away from normality after a while.

CG: (looking suspiciously at Alice) Are you sure that there aren't any other reasons to why you come back, Alice? (looks over at the Mad Hatter)

Alice: (blushing) I beg your pardon?

Mad Hatter: (blushing even more under the duct tape)

CG: C'mon, I think we _all_ outta know by now! (looking over where the duct-taped duo sit) HEY! Where's Marchy?

March Hare: (popping from out of nowhere) We'll be right back!

CG: (in shock) How the-? Did the Cheshire Cat teach you how to do that? Hey… what are you doing, I-!

**-Signal lost-**


	6. Now You See Her, Now You Don't

March Hare: And we're back! Sorry about that little inconvenience, but we were able to take care of our mad host.

(CG is tied to her chair with duct tape over her mouth, She struggles angrily to get untied.)

CG: (yelling) MFMMMMNNNNFFFFHHHHHH! (Translation: I'm gonna kill you, March Hare!)

March Hare: Anyway… we shall continue this interview already in progress. Now, WHO WANTS TO ASK A QUESTION! (crowd goes nuts and he hands it to drkseeker233)

Drkseeker233: LOL! Anyways, I have a question for the Cheshire Cat-Where did you learn to disappear and reappear whenever you want to? I have to make a movie for this book for English and I'm playing the Cheshire Cat (YAY!) so that's why I'm asking.

Cheshire Cat: Well, first thank you for your question. I'm delighted that you'll be playing the part of me in this movie of yours. As for your question, as I was actually born with this particular gift. I started showing signs of it when I was just a kitten, which distressed my mother very much. As I grew up though, and with a little practice, my evaporating skills grew to what they are now. Of course, there still are a few things I have to learn.

Alice: Like what?

Cheshire Cat: Well, I hear there is a way to make other things evaporate, but I haven't really tried it.

Queen of Hearts: Oh really…?

( The cast looks at CG, who is distressed)

CG: (wildly shaking her head) MMMMOOMMOOOMMOOOOOOO! (Translation: NONONO… well you get the idea!)

March Hare: Hey Chess, can you…?

Cheshire Cat: Why certainly. (Goes over to CG and touches her. She disappears, the rope and tape falling off after) Oh dear….

March Hare: Now that SHE'S gone, we can move on with our show!

CG: I don't think so! (Reappears behind March Hare) I don't know if you know this, but I also have a few evaporating abilities.

March Hare: (stares at her in shock and passes out)

CG: (sighs) Oh great. (to audience) We'll be right back… as soon as we can revive the March Hare. (starts pulling out smelling salts as Alice starts fanning him with her handkerchief.)

* * *

**A/N: My most sincere apologies for my slowness and shortness, but I'm just glad I finally got this up! It looks like I'll have a lot of time for writing this summer (I'm helping out at a few writing workshops here in town, plus I'm going to be in another play (WOO!)). But please don't be afraid to send in those questions! I'm not stopping anytime soon! :)**

**As for the evaporating incident, it's actually a personal joke between me and my friends. One day, while working on South Pacific, I slipped into a seat next to my friends and one of them said, "I was just staring RIGHT there (pointing to where I was sitting) and I couldn't even tell!" This happens when I slip behind my friends too. I'm so quiet that it seems like I can evaporate like Chess! It's been my running gag since then :)**

**Hope you liked it! Can't wait for more! :)**


	7. Schitzowhattamajiggers?

**A/N: Woohoo! I'm getting faster! (taking a deep breath) Alright, now that I've shown my excitement, enjoy this next chapter!**

* * *

CG: (breathlessly) Okay! Now that the March Hare has finally regained consciousness, we can resume. (pulling out the microphone) Who's next? (audience squeals until CG hands the mic to….)

drkseeker233: Hello, it's me again! This is a question for my friend who is doing the movie with me, and she is playing Alice. SO of course this question is for Alice- In the first book, why did you always talk to yourself during the whole wonderland fiasco?

Duchess: Didn't she ask us a question in the _last_ chapter?

CG: (smiling) Yeah, but what the heck. I _am_ the host after all! Have at it, Alice!

Alice: First of all, thank you for the question. Tell your friend that I wish her well in playing the part of… well, me!

CG: But why did you start talking to yourself? I bet quite a few of your elder readers thought you were acting schizophrenic or something!

Mad Hatter: Schizo-what-ic?

(CG looks at the cast, a little dumbfounded)

Cheshire Cat: Note to self, try not to use big words around Wonderlandians.

CG: (staring at the Cheshire Cat angrily) What? Are you a mind-reader _too_?

Cheshire Cat: No, but let's face it, CG. Anyone can read _your_ face. Especially when people talk about that one guy….

CG: (starts blushing bright red as the other characters giggle at her embarrassment)

Cheshire Cat: (towards Alice) You can thank me later, kiddo. (talking to Alice, but staring at CG) You were saying?

Alice: (clearing her throat) The reason I kept talking to myself was because I had found that it's easier to figure out some things when you talk to yourself. When one's curious, I find the best thing to do is to ask yourself these questions and let your mind ponder them.

(Cast goes silent)

March Hare: Who agrees that we should all just say she's schitzo-whosits? (Everyone except Alice nods in agreement)

CG: Wait… then wouldn't that mean-? (Cheshire Cat covers her mouth)

Cheshire Cat: We'll be right back! (quietly) After we have a long talk with our _annoying_ hostess….

* * *

**A/N: Note to self, never try to discuss something that could possibly get your mouth shut by somebody with _claws_...**

**Anyway, can't wait to hear more!**


	8. Temper, Temper

**Yeah, I've been slowing down, but think of it this way: One more week of school means more time to update afterwards! :)**

**Enjoy! :)**

* * *

CG: Alright, we're back! After that regrettably painful conversation with Chess, (Cheshire Cat waves at her, innocently, with a smile) we can continue this interview. (holding up the microphone) WHO'S NEXT!

(crowds squeals until…)

super16simone: I thought this was really funny. I have a question for the Red Queen-.

CG: Um…. (looks backstage) Wait here! (runs backstage to find character)

Gryphon: You'd think by now she'd have known to keep track of all of us! (characters mumble in agreement as CG returns)

CG: (quietly) Alright, here we go. (to the audience) Ladies and gentleman, I give you, her Majesty, THE RED QUEEN!

(crowd applauds as the Red Queen walks onstage)

Red Queen: Thank you, thank you. (to CG) And can we please make this quick, I have other things I need to do.

CG: No prob. (looks to super16simone)

super16simone: Why do you love the color red so much? Just wanted to know your inspiration...

CG: (worriedly) And is this answer appropriate to the point where I won't have to raise my rating to "M"?

Red Queen: Whatever made you think that?

CG: Well, quite a few people seem to confuse you with…. (CG glances over at the Queen of Hearts)

Queen of Hearts: Stop staring, you insolent brat!

Red Queen: I see…. (to super16simone) Well, my dear, the reason I love the color red so much is I find it to be a very helpful color. I've heard that it helps make quick decisions. It has helped me very much in my choices as a ruler.

Alice: (mumbling to herself) I wouldn't say _that_….

Red Queen: What was that, Queen Alice?

Alice: (at regular volume) Oh nothing….

Red Queen: I hear it also gives you energy, explaining why I'm always out and about.

Alice: (still mumbling) Like how you made me run the marathon in the Looking-Glass-World?

Red Queen: Really, dear, you mustn't mumble. It's very impolite. (to the audience) Overall, my choices in color really do help me rule wisely as Queen.

Queen of Hearts: _Excuse me_?

CG: (facepalm) Oh God….

Queen of Hearts: Who crowned you the Queen, Miss-Know-It-All? _I'm_ the true Queen of Wonderland!

Red Queen: I understand that, Your Majesty. What _you_ must understand is-.

Queen of Hearts: _I_ must understand? Huh! Well, we'll see about that! OFF WITH HER HEAD! (commotion begins as the two battle it out verbally)

CG: Well, I guess they do have a lot in common after all…. (to the audience) We'll be right back, (ducks as a chair is being thrown) probably without _one_ of Her Majesties.

* * *

** Who knew, huh? Well, I can't wait to hear more! :)**


	9. Obsession & Annoyance

**Woo! Two chapters in a day! I feel accomplished!**

**Anyway, enjoy! :)**

* * *

CG: (breathlessly) Finally! (noticing we're back on air) Hello again! Now that things have calmed down here again (looks accusingly at the Queen of Hearts), we can continue. Oh, and just in case anyone is concerned with the Red Queen, she is perfectly fine. If by fine you mean that she may not be able to walk for a while. (pulling out the microphone) Who wants it! (hands mic to…)

Chessur's Girl: Love your story! And I have 2 questions!

CG: Alright! Go for it!

Chessur's Girl: First one's for the Mad Hatter and the March Hare: Why do you like tea so much? I mean, I love tea, but you are, like, obsessed with it! What's with that?

Alice: (looking at the duo) Yeah, I never understood that either….

Mad Hatter: Well, I have loved tea all of my life, so I don't know what to tell ya.

Dormouse: (waking up) Liar!

March Hare: Excuse me?

Dormouse: There was a time where you and the Hatter would _never_ try tea! (to the audience) You see, when they were younger… _much_ younger, they wouldn't even touch the stuff. But as they became young adults, they eventually started to drink it every so often. Then one day, the Hatter, being the scientist he is, decided to experiment with certain items… (silence)

CG: Oh! You don't mean…! (Dormouse nods at her realization) Aww man! Hatter! Why?

Mad Hatter: I thought it was a good idea… at the time.

CG: You know that's what they use in-!

Mad Hatter: We know, but I couldn't resist! It was such a _tempting_ experiment...

CG: (loudly) Next question before I have to raise the rating!

Chessur's Girl: The second is for the Cheshire Cat: Why do you like to confuse people so much? I admire you for that, but why?

Cheshire Cat: Well, I thank you for your admiration. As for your question, c'mon! Don't you think confusing people is fun?

Alice: Yeah, for _some_ people….

CG: Right on. (both high-five each other as the Cheshire Cat continues)

Cheshire Cat: I find life is a bit more fun when you have fun with _others_. Why do you think I'm smiling all the time?

CG: A bad liposuction? (Cheshire Cat looks at CG angrily and pulls out the claws) W-W-We'll be right back. (CG shrinks back at Cheshire's hissing and gulps) A-A-At least I hope _I_ will!


End file.
